


A Letter To Phil Lester

by Analphancones



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Character Death, Domestic, M/M, Murder, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 02:00:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7916083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Analphancones/pseuds/Analphancones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is sitting at a court trial, and while he waits for the judge, he writes about why exactly he killed Phil Lester, what Phil did to him, why he put up with it, and the day he finally had enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Letter To Phil Lester

**Author's Note:**

> This is also sad and I'm not sorry

I guess you never expected your lies to crumble down, did you? I guess that’s nothing new. You’ve been lying since the day we met. Since the first day we met I always was the butt of your jokes. I thought you’d never lie to me or hurt me. I guess that was my foolish mistake. No, it wasn’t my mistake. I was supposed to trust you, Phil Lester. 

The day we met, those three years ago. I was 17. I thought you liked me, you know? When you pushed my hair out of my face, when you kissed me, my stomach was warm from the touch of your lips. Yours though? You didn’t feel anything. I know that now. When you cupped my cheeks, kissed my head and whispered I Love You, all your were doing was fooling me, trying to gain my trust and make me love you. I already did, but you wanted the feeling to be stronger, didn’t you? I guess I can’t blame you. I’m an easy target after all, my soul is a crowded subway train of the people I love and each of them keep getting on the next one to roll through town, and you were the lasting standing passenger. 

 

I’m easy to lie too, I’ll believe anything you tell me as long as you promise me love. Guess that was my mistake. Still is. I like how, you lay next to me still and fuck me, make me moan your name, beg for more. Then you leave. I’m nothing to you, just a quick easy fuck. I’m at peace with it, you think. I’m not. Because I love you. I love you so much, Phil. But you reject me. You reject the idea of me. You lie to me. 

Remember the time you brought me flowers, the pink and red roses, because you thought they matched my aesthetic and they were pretty like me? I remember. I put them in a vase, you kissed my cheek and squeezed my hip, telling me I couldn't go to your house that weekend like I was going to because you had ‘family bonding’ time, that you were forced into going with your family to some theme park. 

Hours later I texted you, after being ignored all day. I assumed you were busy. But you weren’t. You were drunk, and you wanted to talk to me. So i dialed your number and asked how family bonding day was. 

“Family what?”

“Bonding Day. You said you had to be with family all day.” I replied, rolling my eyes. 

“Ohhhh. I said that? Well. Guess what?!” he asked.   
“What?”

“I fucked Ryan. You know, that o-one guy at school.” he hiccuped. My eyes widened and I hung up instantly. That should have been a dead give away to dump you and yet it wasn’t I stayed because I thought you were drunk and mistakes happen. 

The next day, you’re hung over and you show up on my door step, kissing my cheek and not even mentioning the night before. You had forgotten. Typical. We watched a film, your arm around my waist, whispering you loved me. I believed you, I usually did. I was in your chains, and my heart was where you had the hook. The worst part was, the chain was long enough to move freely, but if I strained too much I got hurt. So I had to deal with the boundaries you had set to avoid pain. I was fine though, i had you. 

A few months later, it got bad again. You slept with someone else, someone who wasn’t me. You did that a lot, but I never minded. I did. I did mind. But you told me not too, so I didn't. But this time, I wasn’t expecting it. You hadn’t done it in over a week so i figured, hey, maybe he’s done. Maybe he’s ready to settle down. You weren’t. So i lost it. I yelled at you.

“Phil! I thought that you were done!” I said, yelling a little but trying not to be loud. 

“Done with what? You know the rules. I can sleep with anyone I want, but you remain faithful. Those are the rules, Dan!” You yelled back, getting closer to me but not by much. 

“No Phil! Those are your rules! I never agreed to them! Why can’t you just not sleep with anyone besides me?!” I yelled. 

“Don’t raise your fucking voice to me like that Dan!” You screamed, this time lunging towards me, right against me. 

“Or what?!” i retaliated, getting some courage. And then it happened. You hit me. 

You smacked me to the ground, a stinging sensation on my cheek. I thought maybe it was a tactic to calm me down, that he wouldn’t do it again. But then he kicked me. 3 times until I was coughing, bleeding out of my mouth. 

“You. Don’t. Fucking! Talk back!” you yelled, walking out of the room and leaving me. 

Months passed by, you would yell at me, hit me when things got too bad. I started quieting down, my once loud and brazen personality had been shut down to nothing. I withdrew from my family, especially once my 18th birthday rolled around and you asked me to move in with you. I agreed, thinking maybe once we lived together everything would calm down and we could be a normal couple. I was wrong. I usually was. 

When I was 19, you beat me so badly I started crying, sobbing, my nose bleeding, coughing blood clots, my eye shiny and bruised, my rib cage seemingly shattered on one side. A few weeks passed, you babied me, Insisting you only did it because you loved me, that it wasn’t his fault but I would have learned my lesson by now surely. All I did that night was use up all the hot water in the shower. But he was right, I did learn my lesson. After the weeks of babying passed by, you were drunk one night. Horny and drunk. But I was in no mood to sleep with you, and you wanted me. The one time you actually wanted me, you had broke me too much for me to even think of wanting you. But that didn't matter, did it, Phil? It didn’t matter. 

Because an hour later, you smoked a cigarette and had your arm behind your back, while I cried in silence after you violated and took what you wanted without my permission. But I still loved you, I couldn’t help it. I kept the sheet around me and quietly soaked the pillow with tears while you fell asleep. 

After that it kept happening, instead of cheating on me, you just started taking me whenever you wanted and if I fought back? You would hurt me. Hrt me until i needed a doctor but you’d never take me. You’d just treat me like a princess for a while until I was healthy enough to beat again. And I let you. I loved you. 

When I was 20, it was my birthday and my dad took me out for drinks. I came back late, you thought I was cheating on you. Of all the people in the world Phil, you’re the one least deserving of being suspicious. But I assured you you were my one and only, and you saw a bruise on my neck. You thought it was a hickey but it was actually a mark from when you choked me last week. 

So you held me by my throat, squeezing and pinning me down. I couldn’t breathe, my lungs were aching I was struggling so badly and eventually you let go, starting to hit me. Over and over and over again, I was gasping and coughing, taking the pain and trying to ignore the fact that it was you, the man I loved hurting me. 

But eventually, months later I snapped. We were in the kitchen, you were making fajitas with me. We were having a good moment, until you kissed me. I was hungry, in no mood for sex. And you started to force it. You pushed me over the counted, starting to undo my jeans and I started crying. This was one of the many times where I just couldn't hold back the tears, and that's when i snapped. I don’t know what caused it, but I finally had enough of your shit, Phil Lester. I reached for a kitchen knife and stabbed your hand, you screamed in pain and I pinned you to the fridge, finally so sick of the pain the siffering the beatings the rape the violation, I stabbed you. 47 times in the chest over and over and over again, seeing nothing but red and the white tiles now turned crimson. As you fell to the ground, the last breath leaving your body, I took my first breath of freedom since I was 17. 

Even as I write this, waiting for the judge to start the trial to see if I’m going to prison for what I did, or if I can get off on self defense; I have no regrets. I’d kill you again and again and again. Because now, Phil Lester, I am free.


End file.
